Is it completely ridiculous that I kissed my girls at least a hundred extra times tonight and told them I love them enough to last them a life time?
It doesn't seem to matter how many times I have told my brain that I am being melodramatic about tomorrows tests I can't help it!! I am only going in for a manometry test and then a General Anaesthtic for another test for all of twenty minutes and I am planning my funeral! It comes from bad experiences and prolonged illness in the past I think. I just don't want to be back here again I suppose.
It's utterly insane that I have spent the day worrying that my 'affairs' are in order. Have I left everyone a note, do people know where I keep things. Have I got a plan for my kids if something happens to me, do they know I love them. A million and one of the most ridiculous thoughts going through my head that I seem completely unable to quiet.
Old lady that I am (or knackered Mum) I am in bed hours ago usually but no not tonight I am up writing a blog hoping that perhaps if I get my irrational thoughts out I might be able to get some sleep. Well that's after I write a quick twenty page letter to my kids reiterating how much I love them just in case I didn't freak them out enough today with my ravings.
Doesn't being a Mother completely change you. I worry about everything and yet I used to worry about nothing. I wanted to jump out of a plane as a teenager, I wanted to bungy, I wanted to abseil down 200 ft cliff face and now I don't even like standing on the glass panels in the sky tower and it makes me feel physically sick if my kids do. Rosie my youngest has realised this and seems to take great enjoyment in jumping up and down on the glass until my nerves are shot, bless her!!!
I seem to have developed an aversion to horse riding, bicycles, skate boards, roller skates, water, heights, sports of any kid the list is endless. In some vain and ridiculous hope that I can keep my precious angels safe from harm. It is the most amazing experience and truly the best thing I have ever done having children but it is also extremely painful and frightening.
I am trying so desperately to be strong for my girls. Charlotte looked so worried today and had her I am being difficult because I am worried head on. Rosie doesn't have a clue what's going on but my little Charlotte has watched her Mum in and out of hospital for the last few years and some really quite scary situations. I hate putting her through this again, I know it's only tests but she just hears hospital and I can see the worry in her little face.
I was tempted to lie to her but she is such a bright button she would know when I got home anyway and honesty I suppose is the best policy. I just want to protect them from the things in life that hurt, I know that's not possible and it's not what life is about but all the same the Motherly instincts want that desperately.
I think back to the woman I was in my twenties and wonder what purpose my life really had without these two little souls in it. Simpler yes but empty, so however hard it gets it's always going to be worth it. They are the most incredible people I know and I made them!!! Well with a little bit of help ;-)
Nervous yes, funeral plan needed? No !! Go to sleep Kate, stop being a drama queen, go get your tests and come home tomorrow afternoon and hug your kids for the rest of the day. Maybe a piece of chocolate cake for being brave!!! Shhh don't tell anyone!
Have a great few day folks