Saturday, 13 October 2012

Single Mum and the Dating Game!

I have been on my own now for 3 and a half years. I decided quite recently that it was about time I got back out there and started dating again.

A completely and utterly terrifying concept I can assure you. I had been with my ex for 10 years so basically I have been out of the dating game for about 13 years. The thought of getting dressed up, first dates and dating etiquette is an utterly alien concept to me but all the same it’s about time.

Not really knowing where to start and not being someone who really fancied at 38 getting dolled up and hitting a nightclub. I thought I would try the online dating scene. I have heard all sorts of stories of success from online dating so why not give it a go.  I rather like the idea of being able to chat to people first, maybe build up a little confidence before actually meeting the man of my dreams!

I joined two very different sites here in New Zealand. The first NZ dating and the other one Findsomeone. I loaded a half decent picture of myself and filled in the endless questionnaires about my likes and dislikes. Some questions more obscure than others for example ‘What’s my opinion on housework’ or ‘What’s my opinion on drugs’ but I battled on and answered all the questions I could as honestly as possible, not something that everyone does I discover!

 What I learned very quickly is that the two sites couldn't be anymore different. I was very excited to get an email the day after my profile went live on NZ dating. I logged on quickly expecting rather naively to see the man of my dreams staring at me on my screen but no not a face but a rather large penis! The message accompanying the rather stiff picture read "If u fancy some of this love mail me" and that was it! No small talk, no telling me what hobbies he enjoyed or whether he was a vegan or meat eater or if he liked Pop or classical music just one line and a picture of his penis!

Unsurprisingly that was the first of many mails I did not reply to and in general fairly much summed up the type of emails I get from this site. With the second most popular being couples who would like me to come over and make their relationships more ‘interesting’!

The second site Find Someone is a little different, for a start I haven’t received any naked pictures of any description…well not yet anyway! The guys seem to take a lot more effort to fill in their profiles and send decent messages introducing themselves in a more ‘normal’ way. Being a bit of an old fashioned girl I find it quite hard to make first contact and to be honest when I do pluck up the courage to say 'hello' it is fairly rare that anyone even bothers to say 'hello' back.  You really do have to get a thick skin and not let it bother you but I would be lying if I told you it doesn't bother you just a little bit.  You start questioning your picture, your profile, the way you worded 'hello'.  However these days I just go with the flow and live in hope that one day someone will start talking to me and we will hit it off like Romeo and Juliet! I know I am a ridiculous unrealistic romantic!

 One of the main problems I have had with the online dating sites is that at 38 I am not really ready to date 68 year old men. I am sure they are very nice but where are all the men my age? Are there any left in New Zealand at all I ask myself?

It got me thinking whether the whole single Mum issue frightens men off. The thought that they are not just dating a woman but becoming a step Dad to two girls overnight if it gets serious. I have tried to make it clear in my bio that I am not looking for a Dad for my girls but then of course this raises questions in my head. How would it work? So I start dating a man, we start getting along; I really like him and then what? I introduce him to my little babies? The idea seems insane!

Don’t get me wrong my kids are obviously THE most gorgeous, beautiful, well-behaved kids in the world but how would it work? I don’t really imagine guys look at my profile and go ‘Oh WOW the woman of my dreams, she has two kids’!

I don’t suppose there are too many guys out there my age who are single and actively looking for a relationship with kids thrown in for good measure.

Where does that leave us single girls? Dateless I suppose unless we are looking for some meaningless one night stands with men who show you the goods prior to meeting them, couples who want you to service both of them or old single guys who…well actually I haven’t really fathomed the contact from old guys yet, is it a sex thing? Loneliness? or do they have the maturity to not see kids as a problem? I would like to believe it’s the latter but instinct tells me it’s not!

I am ever the optimist though I just know that somewhere out there is my Mr. Right and the fact that I am a single Mum with two little girls won't even be an issue.  With my new found confidence and sylph-like goddess figure (I jest!) there will be no stopping me!

Have a great day

Kate x

P.s Breaking News - talking to a guy of my own age, he doesn't have two heads, doesn't appear to a serial killer or married and seems really nice!  Is there hope for me yet?


  1. Good luck Kate... there's all sorts of reasons for and against online dating. Having been through a few nightmares there in my youth I can tell you it IS a scary situation... but if nothing else you stand to meet some wonderful, interesting friends on there!

    Good luck with Mr Could-Be-Interesting. :)

  2. good luck kate. I understand how you feel. I myself have been 'out of the game' for 12 years. And not without 'battle scares'. I have felt the same as you as I have a lovely daughter. Its harder for a man with a kid than a women but I think I could have found my future wife.

    1. That is totally awesome :-) hope for me yet!

  3. Hey im willing and available..just ready to meet any single mum who needs a life only 28 and got out of the game thus needing anyone not more thank 35 years old...

  4. In reply to my Breaking News - First date totally awesome :-)

  5. Congrates, yes it's not easy but a chap like me with a young daughter would see a lady with children, particuarly daughters as a bonus - there aren't going to be many people who have been married or in real relationships who don't have children, so children will just about always be part of the story. And, if someone doesn't appreciate the fact that your children are the single most important thing then they aren't the person you should be with.

    1. Thanks for your words of encouragement Ian, I agree wholeheartedly! Kate x

  6. Have you tried ? It's pretty new but it's a safe site as the profiles are confirmed along with the pics and amazingly it's free... The bit I love I can check on my phone and tablet or pc.


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