4cm Taller

I am so sorry it's been over a week since my last blog.  I could tell you it's because it's been a rough week, or because I have been in too much pain, both of which are absolutely true but mostly it's because I didn't know what to write. Every time I have tried to write this last week it was just too depressing to publish.  I think I have hit a bit of a wall.  My head has let me down a bit, spiraled into a bit of a depression I suppose, that has been hard to pull myself out of.

I want to get to the point where I look at this whole experience and see it as a good thing and not as a horrible mistake. Although my walking is much better, when the night comes, it brings with it such a lot of pain, it's hard not to find myself wishing I had never done this. My scar looks pretty good at four weeks post operation, although it occurred to me it looks like a sad smiley.

I remember when Mum had her knee done.  She kept saying "If I had of known how much pain it was going to cause me I never would have had it done" I remember saying to her a year on, when we were happily walking round the shopping mall "I bet you are glad you had your knee done now" and she replied "nope, still wouldn't do it".  I now understand what she meant.

Don't get me wrong, I do know it was the right decision and I don't regret it and I am incredibly grateful to everyone who has made it possible.  I know I couldn't have stayed the way I was.  I just didn't realise how hard it was going to be and will be for the next year.  I thought I would be one of the lucky ones who would just get up and walk off into the sunset smiling, I should have known better! Just a bit down in the dumps I suppose.

To be fair I think most of my pain is coming from the SIJ joint.  Sadly only two of the screws could be taken out and it's a pretty angry joint.  I suspect I will be lucky if I am ever pain free in my SIJ.  I think that's where a lot of the depression comes from. Knowing that I never needed it in the first place.  That the disc replacement has been so successful and if only I could have had that done instead of a botched operation, things might be different now.  I know I have to let it go, but it's hard, I am so angry.

You have to speak up at rehab, if it's too much say something.

We left the rehab facility at the weekend and came to Dusseldorf.   I should have been there for two weeks but Craig was getting worried about the state I was in, after two days I couldn't walk. After consultation with the doc and a secret call to my parents he pulled the plug.  Too much too soon was the verdict.  Physio doesn't usually start until the 12 week point, but knowing we had to fly so far we thought it would help, we had also read so many posts about how much it helped. 

For me this couldn't be further from the truth.  This is another one of those occasions where it's different for everyone.  For those thinking of having any sort of ADR surgery I have to seriously warn you, don't overdo it and don't push yourself too hard in those first weeks.  I went to physio with a really positive attitude but all it has done is put me back.  After some advice we were told to just walk, everyday a little further and with it you'll get a little stronger. 

However, I still felt like I was letting everyone down including myself.  That I should carry on regardless, but Craig was right, you have to listen to your body and mine was screaming to stop. 

We were not sorry to see the back of dull Gelsenkirchen!

  So, that's what we have did, we packed our cases and we moved from Gelsenkirchen to Dusseldorf and checked into a basic but comfortable place and started walking.  I didn't for the first two days, I think I slept and moaned (a lot) but as the pain has started to subside we have begun walking. 

Being silly!

In our hearts we just want to come home.  Both of us are very homesick and miss our family.  It's been a long journey and a hard one.  I can see how exhausted my darling Craig is and how much he needs the support of others now too.  I dread the journey ahead of us and I still don't know how we will manage that twenty-six hour trip home.  At the moment I can't even sit for more than ten minutes without needing to get up and walk.  When I lie down I have to constantly roll from one side to another and back again.  It's frightening and scary.  I worry about how poor Craig will manage me and all the luggage, which of course I very inconsiderately added to with vast quantities of packet rosti! He just shrugs it off and says "It'll be fine" but he forgets how well I know him and I can plainly see he is as scared as me.

One of the many churches we walked past yesterday!

We leave on the 18th and day dreaming of the Gold Coast and giving our girls a hug seems to occupy most of my day at the moment.  

We did manage to go for a decent walk yesterday and found ourselves in the first pretty area of Dusseldorf, a sweet row of restaurants along the water, we had the first decent meal for a week, drank tea and coffee, and smiled at each other like a couple of newlyweds and for an hour we forgot everything else....it was bliss.

I persuaded Craig to take me on Dusseldorf's version of the London eye.  Although much to my horror I didn't know he wasn't keen on heights until he turned grey and looked like he was going to throw up over me!  

But as we made conversation with a Romanian family who shared our carriage he relaxed and almost enjoyed it!  It was a pretty perfect day.  On our way home we saw giant mutant ducks, which of course we duly took pictures of!

My mood lifted, my pain eased a little and with a massage and some magic pain killer, I slept well for the first time in weeks.

Tomorrow I am hoping I will be well enough to take Craig to another art gallery.  He enjoyed going so much in Zurich.  There is a 'Munch' exhibition on and I know they have a number of Picasso's and Worhols, I know he would love it.   I know it's easier to walk if your mind is occupied so fingers crossed tomorrow is a 'good' day, or at least a half decent day that I just need a gentle shove to get me going.  It occurred to me with all the fires back home, I suppose walking won't be the easiest thing to do.

I can't say Germany has thrilled me as a country, although Autumn is a pretty time of the year.  I much prefer Switzerland.  Mind you the cold weather doesn't help you like the place.  It hit a chilly 5 degrees tonight and frankly the days are not much warmer.  It's so awful looking at the news here, seeing our beloved Gold Coast in flames. The fire fighters working round the clock to keep us all safe, you are truly amazing people.  They called it 'catastrophic' on the news here, the worst since records began? Schools were shutting, and they were telling everyone to stay inside. It will be very strange going from such biting cold weather to scorching hot. I just hope it doesn't start effecting flights.  Stay safe everyone, especially all those fighting the fires.

Finally, I do have one bit of news I don't think I have shared yet. At rehab I had my height measured and I excitedly rang Charlotte to tell her. (I should preface this by telling you, that she grew taller than me about a year ago, she was 164 whilst I was left at 160cm)  When I rang I made her get Dad to measure her height with his tape measure.  "165cm" she announces to me, smiling.  "Are you kidding?! Are you kidding me right now?!" I demand.  "I go away for eight weeks, go through a horrible operation, gain 4cm, get all excited about coming home and being taller than you and you decide to grow a whole cm in 8 weeks!  That's not fair!" So, alas although I have grown 4cm and my trousers are all now too short, I am still 1cm shorter than my daughter!

We only went out for a short stroll today.  We found a launderette and did our washing (I know very dull!).  Suddenly, Christmas is everywhere, decorations are going up and the advent calender's are in the shops, which I have to say are far more beautiful than the cheap shit we sell.  If I could get anything else in our suitcases I would be bringing one each for the girls.  It's funny to think Christmas is nearly upon us once more, seeing all the facebook posts of Christmas trees going up seems crazy right now.  I do love the idea of the long school holidays stretching in front of us though, and time with the girls, now there's something to look forward to.

Love Kate x